We were discussing the pros and cons of the two insurance options our employer provides. Cost, previous experience, stress of choosing new doctors. Neither one was going to cover our fertility treatments moving forward so that wasn’t an issue. I really wanted to switch providers because I didn’t want to be insured by the one we currently have when I was having a baby. I said as much to my husband and he very rationally said to me, “but you’re not going to have a baby next year.”
My jaw hit the floor. I couldn’t understand what he was talking about. That was the whole point. That was why we decided to pursue IVF next year. To have a baby! Then I realized what he meant… we still have lots of research to do, facilities and doctors to select, treatments to go through. All of that takes time. And we very likely would not be doing any sort of embryo transfer – assuming everything goes according to plan – until at least a few months of 2019 have passed us by. Not to mention, I do actually know how long pregnancy lasts. 🙈 So the truth is, I won’t have a baby in 2019.
Yes, the plan is to move forward. The hope is that I will be pregnant next year. But for some reason, the thought of walking into 2019 knowing that – barring a miracle – the year will end without a baby in our arms just shattered me. For the last two years of this infertility journey, I have stepped into each new year with hope and expectation that this will be our year. Somehow the impossibility of our baby being born in 2019 wrecked me completely. I had an actual panic attack, and it put me in a very dark place. But I am not meant to live there. And I’m working on digging myself out one day of rest, one worship song, one sweet conversation, and one prayer at a time.
As I am trying to move forward and accept this next (and hopefully last) childless year, I find myself wondering what God has in store for me. I am imperfectly turning it all over in gratitude for another year where I can focus my heart and soul on Jesus, another year where I can love my husband and our time as a family of two, where I can dig into the creativity and storytelling God has put on my heart, where I can lean into the amazing infertility community and show up for them. Knowing that we will not have a tiny human to learn about and care for, I am imagining how we can use our time to care for others.
I am choosing to see this next year as a blessing. If infertility has taught me anything (and boy, has it!), it’s that finally having a baby is not going to all of a sudden make my life perfect. It’s not going to make me whole. Yes, I want it. I pray for it. But I am learning that who I am praying to is more important than that answered prayer. And He is gifting me with another year to learn to lean on Him, to choose Him first, to prepare my heart.
2019 is not an accident, a mistake. It is not an after thought or a stepping stone to get what we want. It’s part of the amazing story God is crafting. It is filled with purpose, possibility, and abundance (more on that later 😉). When I look back over my life I can see God showing up in the tiniest of details, the intricate parts that only we know. His timing is perfect and He hasn’t failed me yet. Why should I believe He’ll start now?
I won’t have a baby in 2019. But I know that I will have more than enough.