We walked out of the lab and immediately tears were streaming down my face. The results of my blood test wouldn’t even be in for the next hour. There was no reason for me to be crying.
Dan looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told him that I didn’t know. And then I realized that this was just my body’s natural response. For almost two years our answer has been no. The previous four IUI’s ended with a needle in my arm and bad news shortly after. My brain has made that connection. Blood draw leads to bad news which leads to grief. My brain was already telling my body to go ahead and start that process once more. Man, my brain must be confused about why I continue to do this to myself. And my body is equally as addled by all the extra hormones surging under my skin.
An hour later, as if I had manifested the bad news myself, there it was. Another no. Another cycle down.
Negative. No. Nothing.
There was no reason. I went to five doctor appointments in less than two weeks, I had as many ultrasounds (including one with a brand new male resident. Remind me to tell you that story later), I became a chemist and a nurse by mixing and administering my own shots for 11 days (not including the trigger shot to induce ovulation!), I had two perfect follicles, my uterine lining was nice and cozy, Dan’s numbers were awesome and exactly what they needed to be. Everything was right. And the answer was still no.
Did I mention we did the test on Father’s Day? Yeah. It’s just how the timing worked out. Our dreams of finding out on Father’s Day that Dan was finally going to be a dad, that maybe those two follicles would become our miracle baby… or twins! Gone in an instant. And then we are just supposed to continue on with our lives.
So, here we are… continuing on. Because what other choice is there? Even when we don’t feel like we can keep going, we get up and we keep moving. Sometimes it’s one day at a time. Others its minute by minute. I can survive this. I have to. Because we aren’t giving up on our baby.
What we are doing is taking a break. I need to have my body back and free of excess hormones for a little while. We need to take some time to get back to ourselves, to feel sane, to feel like we are in the best head space possible for when we finally become parents. We will also be reevaluating what comes next. Thank you for your prayers and for continuing to believe with us. Despite missing something we want so much, we sure do have an awful lot.