Recently, I read a little quote about not allowing a season of loneliness to become a lifestyle of despair.
And I blinked at the little bit of light peeking through the cracks in the cocoon of darkness surrounding me. My self-made cocoon of despair.
I was already there. Trapped in this fog, this seemingly inescapable darkness. It had started slowly… doubt seeping in, anger crawling over my skin, fear taking hold, sorrow overwhelming every other aspect of my life. This darkness is demanding. It’s suffocating.
I have tried to get out. Clawed and scraped at this gloom. I have tried to fix it, to choose to be happier, to just suck it up. And yet the darkness keeps closing in. Despair is my constant companion.
I have come to the realization that I can’t climb out of this nightmare on my own. But I also know that I am not alone. And my God does His best work in the dark places. I don’t need to “fix” myself before coming to Him. I don’t need to heal myself or show Him a happy face. He will meet me here. He will meet me right where I am. I just need to ask, to call out for Him. I have to believe that this darkness is not the whole story. I have to choose to keep the faith even though I can’t see where this story is going.
I am certainly not the first to endure trials, and I will not be the last. Even Jesus faced His own trials. And the darkness He faced was infinitely more consuming than my own. He didn’t want to face it, asked for it to be taken from Him. But He endured it. For me, for you. Because He did not doubt. He knew this was not the end of the story. He chose to believe despite the darkness surrounding Him. He knew Sunday was coming.
I have been living in darkness, in this strange waiting room, in the Saturday following Good Friday. But I forgot that Sunday is coming. I forgot that the darkness is not the end of the story. I forgot that faith is believing before we see it.
“What is faith? It is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead.”
– Hebrews 11:1
My heart could just explode… Sunday is coming. And I believe it. I believe in that promise.
There will still be darkness. I don’t expect that to vanish, to instantly be cured of all my heartache. But because of Jesus, I don’t have to face it alone. I am calling on God to meet me here, trusting that He will walk beside me in the shadows. I do believe this is my story for a reason. Even though I might not know why at this time. I also know my story is not over. I just need to keep believing as I live through the silence, the darkness of Saturday. I believe that Sunday is coming.