Identity Crisis

Ever feel like the person you’ve been is not who you are?

Ever find yourself flat on your backside because you’ve just been hit over the head with that feeling?

Hello from flat on her backside with a headache to boot. 👋🏼

I have spent the better part of 2017 confused as to what I want, where I’m going, and who I am.

Truth? This is the first time in my life I have felt that way. I have always been sure. The trajectory of my life has seemed to be such a clear, drawn out path. I’ve always known what the next step would be. (Maybe that’s mostly hindsight talking…) But now everything has changed. For the first time, my well lit path has disappeared, vanished. It feels like I stepped out into nothingness, like I am fumbling around in the dark. I don’t feel like me.

I’ve been doing some soul searching in an attempt to figure it out. What happened? Why do I feel this way? And it clicked… I’ve been desperate to take on a new identity, to add another role to my resume. But it hasn’t happened.

My desire to become a mother has become more important to me than any other dream I’ve ever had. It has consumed me for so many months. Eaten away at all the parts of me I thought I knew… The extrovert I used to be is all but gone. I tend to shut down in large groups, crave alone time, prefer hanging out with fewer friends at a time. Acting? I’ve barely thought about it since wrapping up “Beau Jest” in May. Right now it feels so far away. Despite the fact that it’s always just been a part of who I am, my greatest desire, my very real joy. I started a blog called Actor and Adventurer! But I haven’t really felt like one lately. The thought of acting when my raw emotions live just below the surface is terrifying (or maybe I’d be absolutely brilliant, and that’s also a little scary). I can’t wrap my mind around it at this time. And that has sent me into a panic on more than one occasion.

Am I getting lost in the midst of my sorrow? I feel like I’ve been losing the things that make me who I am.

And then I remember that my identity is not found in any of these things… Even if I become a mom, it will not be the only thing that defines me. I am not only an outgoing actress. It’s not all that I am. My identity is found in Jesus Christ, and He adores me. He knows each part of me, my identity, the deepest desires of my heart. I am a beloved daughter of the King, and He created me with value. Mother or not, actor or not. I am here because He felt like the world needed one of me.

So, I might be sad. I might be changing. I might feel a little lost. But I will always be able to recognize myself as an adored, cared for, beloved daughter of the creator of the universe. I might not be able to stand on my own, but He is with me. I might not be able to see my path, but He can. I might not be certain of my identity, but He is.

I can find rest in that.

8 Replies to “Identity Crisis”

  1. This is such a well-written confession. It is a confession I’ve been in touch with many, MANY times. As someone in my 6th decade of this thing called L I F E, I can assure you that your feelings will ebb & flow just like the tides. Our “vision” for ourselves will change with the times & although we may feel comitted about a particular desire or calling, when it is meant to happen it will – sometimes in a fashion we never dreamed possible. I’ve found certainty in one thing: the more flexible & open to possibility I am, the more options God will gift me with. It takes courage to speak up – especially for ourselves. It takes courage to speak out – especially during times of what we witness as injustice. Courage is the strength that leads to the love we feel for ourselves & can only be celebrated if we nurture it. Love courageously & fearlessly… everything else will fall into place.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love this!! Thank you, Sheryl. I so appreciate you, your encouragement, and your wisdom. It’s really eye opening to step into this time in my life and truly see the way our picture of what life should be changes. And maybe for the better too. Trying to keep my heart open to all the possibilities and live in hope instead of fear. Love you, lady!

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  2. I can SO relate! Maybe it’s a “approaching 30” thing because I’ve been feeling blah on my identity and what to do next. This is a new way of thinking but there is this blog I have loved for years called A Blog About Love. They even struggled with infertility for years and years. This post helped me understand (but I’m still struggling and trying to change…..slow learner hahah) that my Identities were are tied to titles and circumstances that could change (and drastically have) which rocked my turns out weak core identity. SO looking at it as she does, we are SO much more than our titles and that’s comforting in ways. Maybe it will bring some comfort or insight to you too. Thank you as ever for sharing. I find peace in humanity reading your truths. You’re a freaking good person from what I can see. http://dannyandmara.com/2015/02/tapping-into-your-truest-identity/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a weird place to be, huh? It’s been so eye opening… and it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one. And I’m sure this won’t be the last time that life doesn’t look the way I imagine. And maybe it will be even better. Knowing God, I believe that’s true. ❤️ Thank you so much for sharing this! And for reading. I think you are a freaking good person too. 😘

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    1. I’m very sorry that’s been your experience. Life throws so much at us. I know it. I guess I just hve to choose faith and optimism because I believe this is my only shot, my one life. I don’t want to spend it unhappy. There is so much good out there. I hope you find some of that this holiday season!

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