Ever feel like the person you’ve been is not who you are?
Ever find yourself flat on your backside because you’ve just been hit over the head with that feeling?
Hello from flat on her backside with a headache to boot. 👋🏼
I have spent the better part of 2017 confused as to what I want, where I’m going, and who I am.
Truth? This is the first time in my life I have felt that way. I have always been sure. The trajectory of my life has seemed to be such a clear, drawn out path. I’ve always known what the next step would be. (Maybe that’s mostly hindsight talking…) But now everything has changed. For the first time, my well lit path has disappeared, vanished. It feels like I stepped out into nothingness, like I am fumbling around in the dark. I don’t feel like me.
I’ve been doing some soul searching in an attempt to figure it out. What happened? Why do I feel this way? And it clicked… I’ve been desperate to take on a new identity, to add another role to my resume. But it hasn’t happened.
My desire to become a mother has become more important to me than any other dream I’ve ever had. It has consumed me for so many months. Eaten away at all the parts of me I thought I knew… The extrovert I used to be is all but gone. I tend to shut down in large groups, crave alone time, prefer hanging out with fewer friends at a time. Acting? I’ve barely thought about it since wrapping up “Beau Jest” in May. Right now it feels so far away. Despite the fact that it’s always just been a part of who I am, my greatest desire, my very real joy. I started a blog called Actor and Adventurer! But I haven’t really felt like one lately. The thought of acting when my raw emotions live just below the surface is terrifying (or maybe I’d be absolutely brilliant, and that’s also a little scary). I can’t wrap my mind around it at this time. And that has sent me into a panic on more than one occasion.
Am I getting lost in the midst of my sorrow? I feel like I’ve been losing the things that make me who I am.
And then I remember that my identity is not found in any of these things… Even if I become a mom, it will not be the only thing that defines me. I am not only an outgoing actress. It’s not all that I am. My identity is found in Jesus Christ, and He adores me. He knows each part of me, my identity, the deepest desires of my heart. I am a beloved daughter of the King, and He created me with value. Mother or not, actor or not. I am here because He felt like the world needed one of me.
So, I might be sad. I might be changing. I might feel a little lost. But I will always be able to recognize myself as an adored, cared for, beloved daughter of the creator of the universe. I might not be able to stand on my own, but He is with me. I might not be able to see my path, but He can. I might not be certain of my identity, but He is.
I can find rest in that.