Sliver of Hope

Why doesn’t this ever get any easier? 

How do you get through the tough times? 

My biggest fear is that this will never happen for me.

To say that I understood when friends shared these concerns with me is an understatement. Being able to honestly say, “I know how you feel” in this situation is something I never wanted. But here I am. And I find myself thankful that there are others that understand me, and that I can be there for them in turn. The number of women who have come to me in solidarity since I shared our infertility story has been truly eye-opening. I never knew so many struggled with this heartache. I never knew so many that I knew were struggling with this pain.

We are breaking the silence. We are starting a conversation. We keep reaching out to say I am with you. Each one of these women, these couples is asking why me? What if? Does it get any better? 

I don’t know the answers to any of those things. I wish I did. Sometimes I feel like I am shaking my fists at God in grief wondering what I did wrong, others I am steadfastly trusting and believing in His plan for my life. I have discovered that I have a capacity to feel a lot of feelings all at once. I am learning to be okay with it.

What I have found is that every time I experience my monthly disappointment I am also choosing to hold onto hope. Sometimes it’s just a tiny sliver of it that I am able to grasp. But it’s still there, a faint glimmer. My disappointment reminds me that even though I was trying to play it casual, ignore the ache in my heart, pretend it wasn’t a big deal… I still got my hopes up. My heart is not hardened. I still thought this could be the month. I still believed in the possibility, the miraculous. I still believed the answer won’t always be no. I was still choosing hope.

Hope was winning. 

Despite the hurt unmet expectations can cause, there is still so much beauty in hoping. It’s essential. It’s what saves us. Hope is what makes me keep on going two week wait after two week wait… because deep in my heart I still believe that I am going to be a mom some day. A really great one. And that I’m going to get to see my husband share the sweetness he saves just for me with our baby. That we’ll get to see Christmas through our child’s eyes, take them to Disneyland, introduce them to the wonderful people in our life, and all the things we’ve dreamt of doing. That we will know the love that people say you can only understand when you become a parent. I want it all.

I want a baby. 

I am hoping for a baby.

Sometimes I think it’s scary to even say it out loud. (Don’t jinx it!) But I am choosing to move beyond the fear of what ifs. I am choosing to be saved by hope.

I don’t know what God’s plan is for my life, but I am trusting in it. I am believing that He loves me so deeply and wants to give me the desires of my heart (He put them there!). I am calling fear a liar and casting it out of my heart. I am choosing to rest in His perfect timing and the story He has called me to live. I am reaching out to Him knowing that He is in this boat with me. I am allowing myself to be saved by hope.

I hope you will too.

I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.”

— 2 Kings 20:5

“May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you.”

— Psalm 33:22

“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”

— Psalm 31:24

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